It seems to me that I have "reinvented" myself numerous times now, but what has truly changed? Las Vegas, San Francisco, Seoul, LA, San Diego, Sebastian... names of cities cascade through my mind as I recollect the locations in which I have attempted to find myself. The faces of my triumphs and sorrows, friends and acquaintences haunt my mind as it aimlessly journeys through my past. What if I had... I should have said... if they only knew... why did i... what if? I have so many questions, and far too few of them come paired with answers.
Each city, love, friend, enemy, attempt to find- oh, I don't know, whatever it is I happen to be searching for, has associated baggage. Like a load of bricks on my back I feel the weight of my failures slowly turn my progress into a viscous mass, more resistant to flow with each passing day. It occurs to me that the only way to create enough momentum to carry me past my baggage is to focus on the steps directly in front of me as opposed to the crest of the hill. This time I will use measurable goals to guide me foreward, and step by step the journey will commence.
I have come to learn that I can find myself in no specific location, for wherever I go there I am. Each geographic location comes equipped with particular challenges, however, I understand now that until I learn to unload my baggage it will follow me wherever I venture. There is no place in this world where my problems will not tag along, and this time instead of running away from my past I must make sure I am progressing toward my future.
Before I can make specific measurable goals, I believe I need to come up with a general overview of what I want to accomplish in my life. From there I can break down the specific steps that will help me accomplish a happy, healthy, stable, and fulfilling life. So, then, what do I think this personal Shangri La would look like?
Financial Freedom
I will be free of debts with a regular income and enough money to live comfortably, eat well, travel, and help support my loved ones. I will begin planning for my future to include compiling savings, developing and instituting a retirement plan, and establishing good credit.
Healthy Relationships
I will nurture only healthy, stable, and supportive platonic, romantic, familial, and professional relationships. I will keep in touch more regularly with those who add value to my life and not take these relationships for granted.
Physical Fitness
I will maintain peak physical health by eating well, exercising regularly, getting enough rest, quitting smoking and drinking, and getting regular checkups.
Emotional Stability
I will learn healthier, more effective ways to deal with the problems that arise in my life. This includes learning why I tend to self-sabotage through destructive behaviors, only increasing the severity of complications that surface. I will learn to self-value and self-validate, no longer seeking approval from the actions, deeds, words, and emotions of others.
Effective Communication
I will develope and practice thought and languaging skills to communicate honestly and effectively in a manner that will focus on disarming, not strong-arming, my partner in communication.
Constant Spiritual Development
I will become more in tune with my own personal spirituality, not through organized religion, but through self-reflection and all of the aforementioned steps to my development. I will establish my own personal truths and learn to acknowledge and value the truths of others that do not necessarily coincide with my own. I will understand that each person has their own journey and value the journeys of others equally as well as I value my own.
Sobriety
I will continue to actively work on my sobriety, taking it one day at a time.
Continuous Mental Growth
I will further my education, be that through traditional schooling or independent study. I consider myself to be a person of above average intelligence, but I realize that learning does not stop when one leaves the classroom.
Artistic Growth and Expression
I will continue to train my art. This includes taking dance classes, furthering my technique, studying a broad range of dance styles, and developing new skills such as tumbling, aerial skills, and singing. Also, I will explore new methods of artistic expression that do not necessisarily attribute themselves to performance art. This may include painting, sculpture, photography, and/or drawing.
Unconditional Love
A trait I have recently experienced for the first time, I will attribute this unselfish and nurturing way of loving to all relationships in my life. This will include my relationship with myself. I will learn to forgive flaws, realizing that I have many as well and letting associated judgements go. By loving others unconditionally I am better able to love myself unconditionally as well. By loving myself unconditionally I am better able to love others unconditionally as well. By doing both, I am better able to recieve unconditional love from others.
Organization
I will learn to live a more organized lifestyle in order to reduce stress, chaos, and uneccesary emergencies due to poor planning.
Philanthropy
I will give freely of my time, growth, and resources, anonymously whenever possible, and expect nothing in return.
This is the general outline of what I currently believe may lead me to a more fulfilling life. I know there will be bumps in the road, but I must constantly strive to maintain forward momentum. As I begin to attack each area, I will create measurable goals to guide me along the way. I must admit that I feel a little like the blind leading the blind at the moment, but I am confident that with some patience I will find my path.
Each city, love, friend, enemy, attempt to find- oh, I don't know, whatever it is I happen to be searching for, has associated baggage. Like a load of bricks on my back I feel the weight of my failures slowly turn my progress into a viscous mass, more resistant to flow with each passing day. It occurs to me that the only way to create enough momentum to carry me past my baggage is to focus on the steps directly in front of me as opposed to the crest of the hill. This time I will use measurable goals to guide me foreward, and step by step the journey will commence.
I have come to learn that I can find myself in no specific location, for wherever I go there I am. Each geographic location comes equipped with particular challenges, however, I understand now that until I learn to unload my baggage it will follow me wherever I venture. There is no place in this world where my problems will not tag along, and this time instead of running away from my past I must make sure I am progressing toward my future.
Before I can make specific measurable goals, I believe I need to come up with a general overview of what I want to accomplish in my life. From there I can break down the specific steps that will help me accomplish a happy, healthy, stable, and fulfilling life. So, then, what do I think this personal Shangri La would look like?
Financial Freedom
I will be free of debts with a regular income and enough money to live comfortably, eat well, travel, and help support my loved ones. I will begin planning for my future to include compiling savings, developing and instituting a retirement plan, and establishing good credit.
Healthy Relationships
I will nurture only healthy, stable, and supportive platonic, romantic, familial, and professional relationships. I will keep in touch more regularly with those who add value to my life and not take these relationships for granted.
Physical Fitness
I will maintain peak physical health by eating well, exercising regularly, getting enough rest, quitting smoking and drinking, and getting regular checkups.
Emotional Stability
I will learn healthier, more effective ways to deal with the problems that arise in my life. This includes learning why I tend to self-sabotage through destructive behaviors, only increasing the severity of complications that surface. I will learn to self-value and self-validate, no longer seeking approval from the actions, deeds, words, and emotions of others.
Effective Communication
I will develope and practice thought and languaging skills to communicate honestly and effectively in a manner that will focus on disarming, not strong-arming, my partner in communication.
Constant Spiritual Development
I will become more in tune with my own personal spirituality, not through organized religion, but through self-reflection and all of the aforementioned steps to my development. I will establish my own personal truths and learn to acknowledge and value the truths of others that do not necessarily coincide with my own. I will understand that each person has their own journey and value the journeys of others equally as well as I value my own.
Sobriety
I will continue to actively work on my sobriety, taking it one day at a time.
Continuous Mental Growth
I will further my education, be that through traditional schooling or independent study. I consider myself to be a person of above average intelligence, but I realize that learning does not stop when one leaves the classroom.
Artistic Growth and Expression
I will continue to train my art. This includes taking dance classes, furthering my technique, studying a broad range of dance styles, and developing new skills such as tumbling, aerial skills, and singing. Also, I will explore new methods of artistic expression that do not necessisarily attribute themselves to performance art. This may include painting, sculpture, photography, and/or drawing.
Unconditional Love
A trait I have recently experienced for the first time, I will attribute this unselfish and nurturing way of loving to all relationships in my life. This will include my relationship with myself. I will learn to forgive flaws, realizing that I have many as well and letting associated judgements go. By loving others unconditionally I am better able to love myself unconditionally as well. By loving myself unconditionally I am better able to love others unconditionally as well. By doing both, I am better able to recieve unconditional love from others.
Organization
I will learn to live a more organized lifestyle in order to reduce stress, chaos, and uneccesary emergencies due to poor planning.
Philanthropy
I will give freely of my time, growth, and resources, anonymously whenever possible, and expect nothing in return.
This is the general outline of what I currently believe may lead me to a more fulfilling life. I know there will be bumps in the road, but I must constantly strive to maintain forward momentum. As I begin to attack each area, I will create measurable goals to guide me along the way. I must admit that I feel a little like the blind leading the blind at the moment, but I am confident that with some patience I will find my path.
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