Catching Up

In a halestorm of rehearsals, gigs, and trips, my blog and goals have fallen to the wayside. From my trips to San Francisco and Los Angeles, shooting a commercial, a music video, rehearsals for my new gig in Connecticut, and various other things, I have felt both exhilirated and overwhelmed. I have so much to write about, but not any time at the moment. I will post again soon with more details of all these events.

Thoughts on Love and Matter

The law of conservation of matter states that matter may neither be created nor destroyed. If my memory serves me, and in this case I believe it does, matter simply changes form. If one applies enough heat to wood it becomes carbon for example.

Love, too, is governed by this law. The energy is within us all along, a primal force waiting for release. Directed towards our family, friends, and lovers it serves a basic emotional human need; a connexion to the world and people around us. Within any given relationship this energy may constantly change forms. In my experience, however, such energy between lovers may have the tendency to transform more dramatically, unpredictably, and chaotically than in other relationships. For some, love turns to hate. In others like myself it may serve to feed into insecurity and self-doubt, as it is clutched in such a fearful iron fist that it is squeezed right through one's fingers. In its highest form, however, love transforms into love, and as of tonight I realize I have been blessed with this experience.

When love transforms into love in such a manner, the form it takes is less important than its presence. It flows like water, freely from cupped hand to cupped hand, with a complete absence of fear and judgment. It no longer needs to be justified or validated and exists only for the sake of its own existence. Friends to lovers, lovers to friends, the perameters of the relationship become transparent and unimportant. The only thing that matters is the loving energy that flows between two individuals.

Is this what I wanted? No. Is this where I thought we would wind up? No. Do I harbor (not so) secret hopes that the energy will one day flow back into the other cupped hand? Of course I do. Will it? I do not know. The knowing and the wanting, I come to realize, is unimportant. I find comfort in the knowledge that there is no love lost between us, and also from the realization that it has simply flowed into the other hand.

A Better Place Today

I am very tired, so I will keep this posting brief. I was in a very dark place emotionally yesterday, as was appearant when I re-read my posting from last night. I usually find myself in a cyclical pattern of highs and lows, but today is higher than yesterday. I am also discovering that as each day passes the lows seem to be less low and they have shorter durations. I got together with Jaime and Dominique after rehearsal today and I got to get a lot off of my chest that I've been internalizing. I am grateful to have them in my life as they are both a great source of support, comfort, nurturing, and wisdom. I have so much to be grateful for, and much to be proud of. Each day is a little brighter than the last. I can feel the momentum gathering.

Goals: 4/19-4/25

GOALS

1. Physical Fitness: I will engage in 1 hour of cardio four days this week.

2. Physical Fitness: I will do workouts targeting my glutes three days this week.

3. Physical Fitness: I will create a food log to create a general overview of what I am putting into my body. Included will be meals, snacks, supplements, and drinks. The purpose of this goal is more to create a general picture of the way I eat than to follow a specific diet. I will have a better understanding of my dietary patterns, cravings, and behaviors. In order to do this I have created a second blog to track my progress.

4. Continuous Mental Growth: I will read at least one book this week that will expand my knowledge in a particular area of interest. I have created a third blog to track my reading and the insights I have gained as a result.

5. Healthy Relationships: I will make a list of relationships in my life and choose two of them to focus on nurturing. I will inform these people of my goal, tell them my reasons behind choosing them, and let them know why our relationship is important to me. This will aide in developing loving relationships and strengthening a support net outside of my immediate family.

6. Artistic Growth and Expression: In order to further aid in the development of my dance technique, I will stretch for a half an hour every day, either before bed or after breakfast in the morning.

7. Organization: I will create a daily to do list each morning to include all of the things that I want to accomplish each day, and then I will accomplish these things!

The tears that just won't come...

Today was a difficult day. Though I can't place my finger on it, or perhaps I can but am not yet willing, I feel an ominously dark shadow in my heart's core. Like a melancholy storm on the horizon, the smell of rain is in the air though the tears have not yet fallen. I feel less than worthy today and the torrent of self-doubt and deprecation are mercilessly battering my defenses. I am unable to reach out to those around me, unable to ask for help. So instead I post my emotional turbulance in a blog on the internet for everyone to read. How does one find an answer to a question buried so deep that it is unrecognizable? It is up to me to find a way to save myself from this personal hell I have created.

The tears refuse to fall as I realize that sometimes I am the loneliest when surrounded by others...

...but still I carry on.

Today's Photoshoot

I was contacted last month by a photographer from ModelMayhem.com, and we scheduled two photo shoots. The first was supposed to happen two nights ago, with a 3 a.m. call time for hair and make-up. Due to weather conditions and the flakiness of a few models, however, the shoot was cancelled. I finally got to work with them today, and was it ever worth the wait!

The concept for the shoot was high fashion/beauty/budoir/lingerie/underwear in the desert. The girls all wore various styles of lingeriee, and the guys were mostly in button down shirts (left open) or shirtless with jeans. I did do one shoot in underwear, however. The location was about an hour outside of town, in the middle of the desert. There were high sand bluffs all around, so the landscape was utilized in a stunning way to compliment the shoot. Bedroom and livingroom furniture was set up in various spots on location. On top of one of the bluffs, overlooking the mountainous backround was a plush purple lounge chair. A red velved fainting couch was set in a small narrow valley between another two bluffs, and a white bed with white sheets was set in the sand with a combination of the bluffs and the mountains framed artistically behind. I got to see some of the photos on camera, and they came out magnificently.

I shot with three girls. The first was Ania, who I thought would be a total bitch when we first met. To my surprise, however, we got along very well and really enjoyed eachothers company throughout the day. She was wearing black lingerie and posing on the fainting couch. I was dressed in dark washed fitted jeans, with a black long sleeve button down left completely open. We shot various poses for this first look, and the pictures were magnificent. She had a wonderful awareness of her body, and we worked very well and very comfortably with eachother. We got great feedback from both of the photographers.

I forgot the name of the second girl that I shot with, but she pretty good to work with as well. Though I must admit I felt the shoot with Ania was much more intense, I believe we got some good shots out of the second look as well. She was dressed in a coral colored bathing suit, while I wore a tan straw fedora, brown boots, a yellow/brow/tan plaid short sleeved button down, and the same jeans as the first shoot. We shot directly against the bluffs and none of the furniture was utilized.

The third girl I shot with was named Dominique. We have modeled together previously at the Redken hairshow last January. We were going for a more edgy look and we shot on the plush chair on top of the bluff. She wore black panties and a white mesh, entirely see-through top and thigh-high lavender boots covered with black laced embroidery. I had dark grey slacks, a blue buttondown, black suede and leather shoes, and suspenders. The poses were a lot more intense and we fed off of eachother VERY well. We were so into eachother and the shoot that the rest of the models gathered around at the base of the bluff to watch us from a distance. We were tugging and tangled in my suspenders, causing them to detach and fly off in all directions, kissing, scratching eachothers backs and chests... it was intense. When we finished shooting, they had me pose by myself.

The first girl that I worked with, Ania, asked me to join her for the final shoot of the day. She was the steriotypical beautiful European blond, and she was dressed in tan leopard print lingerie. I was wearing black leopard print briefs, and my hair is died black right now, so I think our looks complimented eachother quite well. We were posed on the bed, and the strobes were set up as the sun had already sunk behind the mountains. I saw the pictures on cam, and with the dark background and the overhead lighting all I can say is that the pictures looked INCREDIBLE! They were sensual and erotic without being perverse or pornographic. Though it was freezing I think these were my favorite photos of the day. The lighting made my body look RIPPED. We are going to shoot together again before I leave for CT.

Both of the photographers, Meagan and Matt, were amazing to work with. I wound up riding there and back alone with Matt in the truck with the attached trailer, as there was no room in the model van. We had great conversation, the same taste in music, and got along famously. He's one of the coolest guys I've ever met, and if we lived in the same city I can tell we'd hang out all the time. We talked a lot about relationships as well, as I am recovering from a recent break-up and he is separated from his wife of nine years. Both of our splits have been incredibly amicable, recent, and we both continue platonic relationships with our ex's, so it was nice to talk to someone who was in the same place I am emotionally. He said he would touch up any of the raw images I wanted to use for my portfolio. He's truly an amazing guy, and his wife should think twice before letting him go!

Matt and I stayed behind to pack up the furniture as some of the female models had to go to work. I got home around 10 p.m. covered in dirt, tired, and with a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I am incredibly tired, but I had a WONDERFUL day. I am looking forward to seeing the images from the shoot and keeping in touch with some new friends from the shoot. I should be receiving the CD within the next few weeks. I think there will be some amazing looks for my portfolio.

Change is coming!

Well, when I said things in my life change rapidly I wasn't kidding. I am no longer moving to LA on the first of next month. Instead I booked a gig yesterday doing "Legends In Concert" at a casino in Connecticut. I will be there from the end of May through the beginning of September. I am definitely looking forward to the opportunity. I will be able to save money, clear my head, and figure out where I want to go from here. At the moment I am leaning towards moving to LA, but who knows what could happen between now and September?

One of the women conducting the audition said they were only looking to fill a small number of roles. Furthermore, they had people that had worked for the company previously who might be interested in the positions available. After the combination was taught, we performed in groups of three or four. I felt fairly confident at the audition. My mistakes doing the combo were minimal, and I felt like I performed to the best of my ability. After all of the groups had the opportunity to perform, they asked four of us to come to the center and do the combo again. Selected were two other males, one female, and myself. Next, they dismissed the rest of the auditionees. Each of us were asked our interest and availability, and then we were informed that they would need 24 hours to make a decision. Fortunately I didn't have to wait that long. They called me an hour later to offer me the contract. I was so excited to have a job offer that I completely neglected to ask about the payscale!! Whoops, that's a big one to forget...

It seems to me that time will be passing VERY slowly until rehearsals start in Vegas on the 14th of May. We will rehearse here until around the 25th and then we relocate. The venue is the Foxwood Casino in Ledyard, CT (pictured left). Amenities include room and board at the casino, and use of the gym and dining facilities. I researched Foxwood online and it is supposed to be the largest casino in the world. While I must admit the prospect of living in CT doesn't exactly send shivers down my spine, I would definitely prefer three months there to eight months onboard a cruiseship. One of the benefits to the location, however, is the close distance to NYC and Boston, in both of which I have friends who reside. Amy said she will come visit while I am there, and that it is only a trainride away from NYC.

In the meantime I have photoshoots, auditions, and trips to LA and San Francisco to keep me occupied. Though the time is inching by I know it will be here before long. In the meantime I must remain patient.