Just Checking In...

Anyone who knows me well has some idea of the hardships I've faced in life. While I do not deny that most have been of my own design, each one adds a little sand to the hill. After so many, I feel like my hill has become an indomitable mountain. Only compounding to such an insurmountable obstacle is the history of depression with which I have dealt for most of my life. For the last couple of months it has returned full force, a deep abyss, the likes out of which I am just now finding my way. A very friendly acquaintence of mine commented today about her break up, saying that she is just trying to stay busy, productive, and positive. I can only follow her example and apply these same attributes to my own life.

I am truly grateful that so many opportunities have presented themselves as of late, for they have been wonderful and much appreciated distractions. I must admit, however, that I feel somewhat ill-equipped. Whether I am ready for them or not, I have no choice but to prepare myself to the best of my best ability while I simultaneously walk through the door, or risk losing the opportunities altogether. I feel the fear clutching at my coattails, weighing me down as I ramble blindly forward.

Someone very close to me told me recently that he wished he was stronger. Well I wish I had half of his strength, for no matter the obstacles with which he is faced I see him constantly push onward, never resting. I feel most days that I have no strength left at all, and the only thing that keeps me going is the hope for a future that may or may not come to fruition. It's amazing to me the straws at which one will grasp for the faintest glimmer of hope.

It seems to me (thanks in large part to Ryan) that I have discovered my truest enemy however. Even more so than depression, my greatest adversary is my fear. It has ruled my life for so long now that I am even now fearful of life without it. How cunning an adversary! I am so afraid that life without that very attribute scares me. What a mindfuck! I hope (there's that word again) that along my journey I can develope a life in which for fear there is no power over me. After all, I believe one has to be insane not to experience fear, but one must be equally insane to let that fear dominate one's life.

And while this particular entry may have more of an ominous shading, I must also admit that in the last few days the sun has begun to peek from behind the clouds. While I am still nowhere near the top of the mountain, I have begun to admit that I'm tired. I have begun to admit that I feel scared and out of control. And despite all of this I have begun to climb on, regardless.